


Winn Dixie

by Lidsworth



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Broken Friendships, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Shironeki - Freeform, Slight OOCness, broken relationships, white haired Kaneki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 23:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2710277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lidsworth/pseuds/Lidsworth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being showered with a series of annoying (borderline triggering) questions from Hide regarding Kaneki’s mysterious disappearance, the half-ghoul verbally lashes out at his friend. And unfortunately, the other ghouls seize this opportunity to put Hide in his place. And all the while, Kaneki lets them. <br/>It isn't until Kaneki nearly loses Hide's friendship, that he realizes just how much he wouldn't mind those annoying questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: this has been revised! I went and reread it and was sorta appalled by the grammar and the spelling, and went to change it. There still may be some mistakes, but hopefully not as much as the first chapter. 
> 
> This has multiple chapters in it, all based off of the quote below, from one of my favorite novels, Because of Winn Dixie. 
> 
> "Number eight," said the preacher, with his eyes closed, "was that she hated being a preacher's wife. She said she just couldn't stand having the ladies at church judge what she was wearing and what she was cooking and how she was singing. She said it made her feel like a bug under a microscope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I revised this chapter because grammar and spelling issues. There still may be some errors, but not nearly as bad as the first one! Enjoy!  
> This has multiple chapters parts, all based off of the quote below (one of my favorites from Because of Winn Dixie), so I hope you enjoy it! I don’t know, I can always see Hide scared of being judged by the other ghouls. So, I wanted to write this.
> 
> ""Number eight," said the preacher, with his eyes closed, "was that she hated being a preacher's wife. She said she just couldn't stand having the ladies at church judge what she was wearing and what she was cooking and how she was singing. She said it made her feel like a bug under a microscope.""

Kaneki found some sort of eerie correlation between Jason's insane torture that had occurred over six months ago, and Hide's persistent questioning, which the blond had showered on the half ghoul endlessly that morning. Despite weeks of carefully avoiding Hide’s calls and texts, he had unfortunately met the blond at the near empty Anteiku by chance.

 

This wasn’t supposed to happen at all, yet banking it and running at the sight of his best friend would not sit well with either of them, not to mention, he still had his prolonged absence to explain.

He should've been more careful. He’d ventured to the small cafe with no sort of protection, or anything remotely close to a disguise. Part of him prayed that Hide wouldn’t recognize him in his new get up, that perhaps the blond would double take quickly, and squint his eyes until they were sore, and eventually shake the hunch off.

 

But Kaneki was no fool, and neither was Hide. The moment that the blond dissected Kaneki from the small group composed of Tsukiyama, Banjo and Hinami, both friends found themselves seated at a booth, cups of coffee in their hands (Kaneki, pitch black--the usual--and Hide, something along the sweet and chocolaty side), and already delving into a conversation.

 

Kaneki could already feel the tension that had befallen the room as the others leaned in, listening to their conversation, and waiting for the human to leave him alone. Tsukiyama looked on at Hide with a strong sense of disgust and annoyance which only grew as he spoke to Kaneki so freely and  jokingly. Hinami as predicted, looked rather fearful, especially when Hide tossed in his occupation at the CCG.

 

“I’m thinking about quitting though,” Hide said softly, as he mixed his spoon within the brown liquid, “There’s really no sense in me working there anymore--hey, by the way, what have you been up to?”

 

Kaneki laughed nervously as he took a small sip of his coffee, dreading the direction that this conversation was beginning to take.

 

“Nothing, just taking it easy, I guess,” He began cautiously. as he ran a hand through his shaggy hair, “what about you?” 

“We’ve been talking about me!” Hide whined with an exaggerated tone, “ Fine. I'll chose a subject. What’s with the new get up?” 

Without permission, Hide’s hand found it's way lodged into Kaneki’s soft white scalp, massaging the skin and twisting his fingers into the pale locks.

 

“Cool! It’s actually real,” Hide said rather excitedly as he continued to run his hands through the mane, only to be quickly reprimanded by Kaneki, who gently threw Hide’s hands out of his head. Behind them, sitting at one of the booths, Tsukiyama made an impatient noise. Hinami peeped. Touka grunted, and took a seat close to the troubled booth.

 

The tension was thicker than ever in the room, and Hide’s obliviousness wasn’t helping. Kaneki’s feelings had been agitated at the nerve of Hide just seconds ago, though it took some time for him to remind himself that Hide was not his enemy, just a friend who was new to boundaries.

 

“Have you been sleeping any? You look terrible!” Hide suddenly said, as he looked at his friend with a slightly tilted head, “I mean, I thought the white hair was cool and all...but you look off.”

 

Kaneki cursed himself at the memory of  Hide’s acute observational skills, and the fear of his friend discovering his monstrous being unnerved him more than anything.

 

“Hide, I think I’ve got to-”   
  
His plea was cut short very quickly, as warm hands snaked around his thin knuckles, grabbing at the long digits just as Jason’s pliers encased them so many months ago. And against his wishes, he felt like he was strapped down to the wet metal seat again, soaked with blood and flesh, and just below him lay a bucket of fingers and toes.

 

“Kaneki, why are you cracking your knuckles? You know you can get arthritis like that, in fact -”   
  
He was shaking like he was being electrocuted, like long whips of electricity were jolting through his veins,  screaming like he was being stabbed to death and dipped in hot grease.

 

“Hey, Kaneki, snap-”

 

He yanked his fingers away from Hide’s vice grip and held on to them as if the blond had caught them on fire. A look of genuine concern and confusion crossed Hide’s features, “Kaneki, what’s wrong?”  The blond stuck his hand out as an attempt to calm the obvious unsettled ghoul.

 

“Just don’t touch me,” Kaneki said suddenly, “Just leave me alone…”   
“But-”

“Leave me alone!”

 

Hide paused, just like every other living organism in the coffee shop had. He opened his mouth to speak , however, anything he figured he’d say suddenly fell short on his lips as he soon realized that all eyes were suddenly on him.

 

Suddenly, he realized just how eerie the situation must have looked, considering he’d seriously just upset Kaneki.

 

“You’re disturbing Kaneki-kun,” there came a sly, venom coated voice from beside him, “I think it would be best if you removed yourself from the situation.” The voice belonged to an exotic looking man. Tall in height and loud in wardrobe. Though despite the ridiculousness in his outfit, his underlying tone spoke volumes of his strength.

 

Hide stiffened slightly. The man had a rather  negative energy  radiating off of him, one Hide wasn’t looking to bud heads with.

  
There was no point in making Kaneki uncomfortable (though it hurt. Hide was his best friend, obviously, he'd been replaced).

 

“I was just leaving,” spoke the blond rather distantly, casting another glance at Kaneki, whose head had fallen in his hands.

  
Against his wishes, he cast a backwards glance  at the ghouls behind him, and instantly jerked his head forward again. They were judging him. He could see it in their eyes. Dark and cruel, evil and cunning.

_Why is Kaneki hanging around  that human? Why is  big brother with a human (that’s what she called him, right?). I thought Kaneki dumped him a long time ago._

 

He walked out slowly, their thoughts blaring in his eardrums as if they were the very music running through his headphones. He nearly covered his ears in an attempt to rid himself of the noise.

 

He felt sick, very sick, even as he was  well away from the cafe.  Not to mention, he felt hurt that Kaneki didn’t aid him. In fact, Kaneki left him there, threw him to the lions….but Kaneki was suffering...but Hide could help if the idiot just opened up...But maybe Kaneki didn’t trust him anymore?

 

Sighing, Hide plugged his headphones into his  phone, and turned up the volume as loud as possible to the first song that came on. “Crooked Smile”...he had a knack for American music nowadays, and J.Cole was as soothing as it would get he supposed. At least the tunes were somewhat uplifting, though he’d never return to the cafe, ever.

 

He felt like a bug under a microscope there, considering the way they all stared at him like he was some sort of alien insect.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kaneki didn’t speak after the incident with Hide, not even after he got  home. Instead, he just locked himself inside of his room. Sighing, he plopped himself down on his bed, and sunk into the mattress, though he felt lower than the dent he created.

 

Again, he’d let his mindset interfere with his real life, and the look of hurt that had crossed Hide’s features killed him inside.

This was one of the reasons why he was avoiding the blond. As crappy as it sounded, he wasn’t ready to bring forth his sorry self to his best friend, he was too wounded, too unpredictable. And by no fault of his own, Hide had been caught up with Kaneki’s conflicted mind.

 

Not to mention, Kaneki hadn’t fully grasped the way that Hide had been treated by the other ghouls until now. He’d been shunned, hadn't he, and Kaneki had wallowed in his own mind while it had happened.

 

The guilt was raw in his stomach.

He couldn’t stay with Hide, he couldn’t even visit him anymore, it was too risky, and too dangerous. Hopefully this incident Hide would stay away. It was for his own good, anyway.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A week passed and Kaneki found himself feeling as good as he could get. Though it was still very far from perfect. Hide hadn’t called to talk about what happened, and he hadn’t even texted. Kaneki supposed that was a good thing.

 

Though still, he seemed rather detached in knowing that his best friend had completely given up on him, and he’d done nothing to stop it.

 

Presently, he’d taken to one of the city's more smaller book shops as he sought to rid himself of the remaining residue of the guilt he’d been feeling all week. He hoped that by submerging himself into the depths of his beloved horror novels, that he’d somehow heal himself by himself.

 

Only, that didn’t happen. As Kaneki brought the books that he'd gathered to one of the round tables and began to read, the sensation that the familiar novels produced was less than pleasant at the moment, and if anything, it was solid reminder of what he’d become, and what he’d lost because of it.

The shop itself was a small one with the kind of blue carpet one would see in schools, and round wooden tables in neat rows, pouring down the shop like rocks in a stream. There were shelves everywhere, of course, full of books, both new and old.

 

Slamming his own  book onto the smooth surface of the table with a little more force than necessary,  he walked over to one of the shelves. Tearing through the shelf, he searched for any book that felt “right” underneath his fingers. He had his favorite genre, his favorite author...but this time was different, he needed something different.

 

He was searching for something different.

 

And his fingers did indeed wrap around something he’d never really felt before, something that was bound together by loose strings, and torn cardboard fabric. The spine was nearly all gone, and the pages, now a worn shade of brown, with words almost faded , fought to stay within the binds of the book.

 

Kaneki caught them before they fell. The book was so worn, so mistreated. It was literally falling apart.

 

Turning it around to the front, Kaneki read the title silently to himself, “ _Because of Winn_ Dixie”, he spoke aloud.

So it was a western book? It looked different, something that he wouldn't read if he didn’t have to.

 

But now he was yearning to read anything but his taste, so moments later, _Because of Winn Dixie_ found itself pressed upon the sides of a clear, plastic bag with a receipt falling atop of it. Thanking the cashier, the white haired ghoul quickly exited the shop, eager to dive into the book, and rid his mind of the guilt that was piling atop of  it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Honestly, he was shocked that he even liked the thing. How a story of a stray dog, and young country belle managed to entrance him, he hadn’t a clue. But once he picked the darn thing up, it was almost impossible to put it down.

 

He found his eyes watering at some instances, and other times, found himself  holding back a fit of laughter. In fact, he’d gotten so engrossed within the text, that he forgot that he was even still laying on his bed.

 

He had been in his room for hours. The others must have been terribly worried about him, as he’d been silent in his arrival, and even more so in his communication. Kaneki figured that the book brought out his happy side, the side that had been buried by a week of guilt, stress and PTSD . He’d go speak to them later on and let them know that he was doing alright, but for now, he found it impossible to detach himself from the text.

 

Strangely enough, the light emitting from the seemingly lifeless object filled Kaneki with a fullness he no longer believed he had. Books, he supposed, had an excellent way of doing that. They brought the best out of anyone, no matter the situation or the circumstance.

 

Books to Kaneki were alive, very much alive.

 

And this one was one of the liveliest of the bunch. Though in a way, it made him miss Hide a lot. He could almost see the words pouring off of the darkened pages, and swirling into a mass of light and joy. Hide reminded Kaneki of Winn Dixie, the dog. He had a tendency to bring joy wherever he went.

 

Though Kaneki had screwed that up, hadn’t he? He’d sent Hide running like a dog with its tail between his legs, and he felt like shit for doing it.

 

He started to wonder just how Hide must have felt. How embarrassed amd hurt he must have felt. Not to mention, the ghouls there certainly didn’t make him feel welcomed. With a sigh, Kaneki continued to turn the pages, cursing the book for its accurate parallels to his own life. He bought it in hopes that it wouldn’t remind him of Hide, but now it was doing the exact opposite.

 

Yet he never faltered in his reading.

 

_“_ __The preacher sighed. He said to Winn-Dixie, "I should have guessed you were going to be trouble." Then he looked at me. "Come on, Opal," he said. "Sit down. And I will tell you ten things about your mama."_ _

 

Kaneki read on, and listened to the words ricochet within the depths of his mind, as if  the book was actually communicating with him.

 

He read along the lines of the book, where the main character Opal questioned her father about her sudden mother’s disappearance. Opal’s father, the Preacher, was unable to tell her much really about her mother, only ten things that he could recall.

 

Kaneki could already compare his situation to Opal’s, and pull out some sort of parallels from his life and lay them up with hers. He could pick a few.

 

He had no mother, though unlike Opal, he had no father either. Though to be fair, Opal's father was never as present as she wanted him to be, much like Kaneki's mother when she was living.

 

The loneliness, the “melancholy”, the confusion... He could relate. But Opal wasn’t really alone, was she? She had Winn Dixie! It was his fault that they’d even gotten this far regarding Opal’s mother. Winn Dixie was practically the light of Opal’s life.

 

Kaneki had a Winn Dixie, didn’t he? The thought of the bustling blond jumping at him with outstretched arms, and wringing them around his waist and twirling him around like a tornado on acid warmed up Kaneki’s cold heart more than anything.

 

_“‘_ __Number six is that your mama loved a story. She would sit and listen to stories all day long. She loved to be told a story. She especially liked funny ones, stories that made her laugh." The preacher nodded his head like he was agreeing with himself._ _

__"What's number seven?" I asked._ _

__"Let's see," he said. "She knew all the constellations, every planet in the nighttime sky. Every last one of them. She could name them. And point them out. And she never got tired of looking up at them.’"_ _

Kaneki giggled. Hide hated the horror novels that Kaneki read, didn’t he? They made him sick to his stomach, and slightly concerned with Kaneki’s mental state. But stories that made  him double over in a fit of laughter to the point where he was practically crying, Hide loved. And Kaneki loved them too, just because they made Hide happy.

 

Hide could also point out any sort of constellations, even constellations that Kaneki didn’t think existed. His eyes were like telescopes, veering into the murky depths of space, gracing the milky way with his metal eyelashes, pulling out stardust and calling it by name.

 

Though they kept the book worm calm as he gazed at the night sky with his friend atop of the metal whale, Kaneki used to think that Hide made those things up, until he researched them himself.

 

With a sigh and a slight amount of water bubbling in his eyes, Kaneki read on. What other truths would the book pry out of his fragile psyche.

 

__"’Number eight," said the preacher, with his eyes closed, "was that she hated being a preacher's wife. She said she just couldn't stand having the ladies at church judge what she was wearing and what she was cooking and how she was singing. She said it made her feel like a bug under a microscope.’"_ _

Kaneki gulped dryly, and for the first time that night, the book fell closed on his lap.

 

....Hide felt like a bug under a microscope...didn’t he? Judged and picked on by people that he believed Kaneki valued more than him....

 

Kaneki felt sick. Sick to his stomach. Sick because he left Hide alone for six months , to wonder where and whom Kaneki had found peace with. Sick because he traded his best friend for a life of suffering and agony.

 

Sick, because after months of no communication whatsoever, Hide still loved him more than anything else. And when they finally met, Kaneki acted like an overly emotional brat.

 

Hopping off of his bed quickly, Kaneki headed out of his room and downstairs. They tried to speak to him, and to get his attention, but he plowed through their concerns with his powerful stride. Now, he had no time to talk to anyone. He needed to find Hide.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

The sunrise did little to ease the flutter that erupted within Kaneki’s heart at the sight of his best friend stepping out of his apartment, with his large headphones practically glued to his ears. Kaneki had hidden himself in the bushes by the door, and like a rabid animal, stared at the bustling blond.

Hide hated being pulled out of his music, much like Kaneki hated being distracted from a good story.

 

But this couldn’t wait, Kaneki had to apologize.

 

With a sigh, the white haired man stepped out of the bushes, and advanced on the blond like a stalker. With a shaky hand, he gently tapped Hide on the shoulder.

 

In a sudden whirl, bright brown eyes suddenly found themselves locked onto Kaneki’s quivering olive ones. Though at the recognition of whom it was tapping him, Hide’s eyes narrowed, and with rough shrug, he threw Kaneki’s hand off of his shoulders, and continued to walk down the concrete path.

 

_At least he doesn’t hate you because you’re a ghoul_. Kaneki thought to himself, somewhat happily. Though the negative body language that Hide had just thrown at him was unlike anything the blond had ever done. Kaneki was well aware that others had been at the receiving end of Hide’s anger or disappointment, in fact, people hated to piss him off in school

 

But Kaneki was different. He was Hide’s best friend. _But you betrayed him_ , a feral voice hissed in Kaneki’s ears, _he doesn’t trust you anymore._

 

Kaneki shook the voice out of his head quickly, and made to respond to Hide’s actions with a heartfelt apology. But the moment he opened his mouth to speak, the blond was gone and out of the sight.

 

Kaneki wondered whether he should go look for him, or not….and chose not to. Hide was angry at him, and provoking him could ruin their already delicate, and strained friendship. He’d have to make it up to him somehow...but now wasn’t the right time.

  
  
With a sigh, the ghoul closed his eyes. He was losing his Winn Dixie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Have a wonderful morning and God bless!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I revised this chapter! Thank you for the suggestions, sorry it took so long! There may still be some mistakes, but hopefully none as bad as the first attempt! Hope you enjoy it!

He was at a loss of what to do. Text, calls, visits, none of them had been acknowledged by Hide. He sent voice messages that ranged for as long as the voice box would allow him to speak, he sent text messages that were longer than some of his college English papers, which as a literature student, had a lot to say about his desperation.

 

There were days when he’d collapse against Hide’s front door after endless hours of banging on the softwood, only to be ignored. During these instances, he'd curse himself for his negligence in the past regarding his friendship. Though due to the recent events, he was convinced he had no friendship.

 

Truly, Kaneki hadn't realized what he had until it had been taken away from him.

 

The loss of Hide’s doubtless friendship and trust was certainly taking a heavy toll on his heart.  He dreamed about it often, dreamed about Hide’s cold rejection, dreamed about his own rejection. Sometimes, in his dreams,  he’d try to apologize to the blond, but Hide wouldn’t be able to hear him (he wouldn't want to hear him). He’d just walk away into the darkness of Kaneki’s mind, or sometimes disappear from Kaneki’s sight permanently.

 

(It seemed as if Hide’s absence was worse than Jason’s torture, as if the pain that Hide’s loss brought with it was eating away at Kaneki’s brain, more than the metal clamps ate away at his fingers and toes. That wasn’t good.)

 

But Kaneki didn’t want that, not even in his nightmares. Kaneki couldn't fathom the thought of being away from Hide, especially if the fault was his, a second time.

 

If simple texts and calls were going unnoticed, he obviously needed to step his game up.

 

Hide has said he’d taken a job at the CCG. So Wwth a wig, some nail polish, and acceptable clothing, he’d be able to slip past the sensors, and hopefully locate his friend. It was risky, But worth it. And perhaps the only way that he’d ever see Hide again.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

When arriving at the CCG the next day, Kaneki felt like a complete dork, with his buttoned downed, loud blouse that was incredibly too tight for his protruding muscles. And the dark wig hanging above his head like seaweed made it incredibly hard for him to see where he was going. For his own safety, he’d removed the eyepatch, and also dawned some white nail polish, in order to hide his darkened nails.

 

He brought a small lunch meal he’d purchased at a gas station, because it would look incredibly strange if he went into the CCG with his dorky looking selse, and nothing else. He thought of buying large gaudy sunflowers, but supposed that those would be over the top.

 

As he walked to the CCG headquarters, he mentally prepared himself for whatever he was to face beyond those gates. More importantly, however, he worked on disassociating Hide with Jason, learned to differentiate Hide’s soft, comforting hands on his trembling knuckles from Jason’s pliers on his ashen joints.

 

Hide was love and light, how he mistook him for something else, he hadn't a clue. But he refused to let his unchecked emotions get the best of him. Not this time

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Nothing had changed  since the last time he’d ventured into the large building with Touka-chan that one time. The lobby was still the same, the scent was still the same, the bustling crowds were still the same.

 

Nothing.

 

He’d been helped very quickly, and the receptionist obviously bit back a laugh at the sight of his tacky wardrobe. He wondered how Tsukiyama dealt with the judgment, and the sideline haters that came with. It wasn’t like he wanted to slap on the strangest outfit he could, in all honestly, he didn’t have anything else to wear! It was between a walking black out, or a shy waiter’s outfit.

 

He chose neither.

 

“I’m here for Hideyoshi Nagachika,” he spoke clearly, as he clutched onto the small lunch, “i’m his...friend, we agreed to have lunch. Is it possible that you could refer me to him?”   
  
The receptionist batted her large eyes as she scrolled through the files on her computer screen, “The new intern? Why yes, I can get you in touch with him, may I have a name please?”   
  
Kaneki’s eyes widened slightly, though he tamed his shock quickly, “I need...a name?”   
The lady nodded, “We can’t just let anyone walk into the building. Just some identification please, and we’ll send for him right away.”   
  
“Ken,” Kaneki nearly vomited at the sound of his name on his lips, “Ken.”

 

He hadn’t referred to himself like that in ages, and in all honestly, he hated the name (it’s all his aunt could call him). Hide had always called him Kaneki, and Kaneki supposed that he became  Kaneki. Ken was a name used to pull him out of his rages when nothing else could (save for HIde’s voice).

 

“Ken,” she repeated, picking up the bulky phone on her desk, and dialing a number, “Yes, may I speak to Amon San? Ahh yes…”   
  
As she spoke, Kaneki rocked on the back of his heels, balancing on the balls of his feet, and scrunching the food against his chest.

 

“Yes, he says he’s here for Nagachika. His name is Ken,” she continued.

 

Kaneki held his breath at the mention of his name, freezing ever so slightly as the receptionist continued to speak to the man on the other line. He could pick out the voice, remember it from that extremely large sword wielding investigator. Hopefully, they wouldn't run into one another.

 

“He says his name is Ken…” he heard through the line, “yeah, that’s all.” There was more speaking, though Kaneki tuned out momentarily, bracing himself for the moment that Hide would tell him to get lost.

 

Though that moment never came.

 

“He says he’ll be with you shortly,” she spoke.

“H-Hide will be here?” He was shocked, so incredibly shocked, “shortly?”

 

She nodded, “Just go wait in the couch area.”

OooooO

His raging heart beat certainly drowned out all other sounds around him, and the balls of sweat rolling down the sides of his face made it even harder for him to concentrate. His fingers tapped on the lunchbox that lay in his lap,

  
Calming himself would be helpful, as he had no intention of displacing his wig with sweat, or washing of his nail polish, but the thought of Hide being this close to him after so long scared him. Fear unlike any other had taken hold of him, fear of this being a lie, fear of this being a dream, fear, fear, fear-

 

“Kaneki...”  came a rather strained voice voice, “What are you doing here?” 

 

Kaneki jumped, and turned around quickly. Standing behind the sofa was Hide, who looked not at all happy to be seeing him there. His arms were glued to his sides in an annoyed manner, and it almost reminded Kaneki of a housewife ready to beat the living daylights out of her husband with a rolling pain.

 

The look scared Kaneki to the point of speechlessness. And seeing as the ghoul wouldn't speak (Hide took it he was still nervous about their previous encounter), Hide carried on the conversation.

 

“So...what’s that in your hands?” Hide began as he took notice of the food. 

“Food...you...for...I mean  for you, lunch!” He jumbled his words together, forcing the box at Hide, “I mean, here’s your lunch!”

 

Hide looked away as Kaneki spoke, averting his gaze from Kaneki completely. Did he really just think everything could be solved with a lunch, “ Um...thanks, Kaneki. But I didn't ask for you to bring me lunch.”

 

Kaneki gulped, “I know, it’s just that I thought that maybe we should talk…” There was a small silence as Kaneki fought for his friends eyes. The tension had been somewhat bearable, he'd managed to speak...But Hide, Hide wasn't willing to corporate.

 

“Kaneki...you shouldn't be here, it's not safe for you?” He kept his voice down, “How did you even manage to get through the scanners?”  As angry as he had been at his friend, he still feared for Kaneki's safety.   
  
“It’s something about being a half-ghoul, “He responded, though quickly, he changed the subject, “But your lunch is getting cold.”   
  
  


Hide couldn't remain angry forever, but he could sure as hell try. Though Kaneki's chivalry was new, to say the least. He ventured to the CCG just to talk. If anything, his actions certainly meant that the rift in their friendship had been keeping him awake. It would be terrible for Hide to send him back. 

Though there were problems.   
“Well, it would look really suspicious if I just walked out here with you, plus, I really can’t leave now,” groaned the blond, as he ran a hand through his hair, “That means you have to come to the lounge with me.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They were both incredibly tense, both brains surging with thoughts and fears.

Would Hide forgive Kaneki? Could they still be friends after all of this?

And while Hide feared for their friendship as much as Kaneki, he feared for Kaneki more. There was bound to be someone in the CCG who recognized him, and investigator who could pick him out from the crowd. He was an idiot, and to it was completely out of character for him...Had Hide's dismissal bothered him this much? To the point of risking his own life?

Despite the situation, Hide had to stifle a chuckle as he looked at Kaneki’s choice of clothing.

 

“Where did you get those from?” Inquired the blond, “They look tacky.”   
Honestly, Hide should’ve been the last person talking about tacky, “Tsukiyama...he gave them to me.”

 At the mention of that name, Hide's features hardened. It wasn't that hard to pick out Tsukiyama from the crowd of ghouls who had told Hide to get lost. And regardless if he knew who Tsukiyama was or not, it had been a pretty low blow to mention any of Kaneki's other friends.

Suddenly, Kaneki felt very small in the elevator. He should’ve figured that Hide’s opinion regarding the others was still sour after the events at the cafe.

 

The rest of the ride was carried out in silence. It was absolutely dreadful. They had managed to see eye to eye up until moments ago, and it had all been Kaneki's damn fault. All of it. His negligence, their strained friendship—Kaneki was ruining everything!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

“For our sake, please act natural,” they walked out of the elevator, and into a large hall full of black suits and white coats. Kaneki could practically smell the raw material of drug infused Kagune, as investigators brushed past them with their briefcases.

 

He heard names being tossed around, cases being discussed, all over lunch and drinks. It seemed as if the investigators had nothing better to talk about than their jobs.

 

Kaneki didn’t like the feeling of this. He feared that he'd hear something that he would regret hearing later on,  “Hide, can we please eat alone, I-”   
  
“Nagachika! There you are, we’ve been looking for you,” came a gruff, incredibly stern voice from behind them. It sounded very familiar.

 

Kaneki nearly flipped at the sight of the large investigator running towards them, followed by his shorter minions. That was the one, the extremely passionate one. What if he recognized Kaneki?

 

This wasn’t good, at all.

 

“Hey, Hide, I’ll just leave you with this lunch, and-”   
“Who’s this you’ve brought with you?” the large one spoke again, glaring at Kaneki.

“He’s just an old friend,” HIde spoke, “The one that the receptionist was talking to you about.”

 

Kaneki noticed the woman behind him, who looked like she hadn’t had fun in years, the short brunette with extremely large eyes (He looked too weak to be an investigator to Kaneki), and the rather silent, tall man, whom examined Kaneki with a cautious eye.

 

“You look familiar-”   
“I”m generic looking,” Kaneki spoke, before the man could even finish, “That’s what everyone says.”

 

There was an awkward silence.

 

“Anyway,” Hide interjected, trying to spare his friend the embarrassment, “We’re just eating, the two of us together, alone, by ourselves, here….so, yea-”

  
They didn’t even let him finish.   
  
“There’s this new curry shop down the street,” Surprisingly, the girl spoke, “We should all go, especially you Nagachika, since you like curry as well. Bring your friend.”

 

The cross wearing investigator grunted, “Nothing too spicy please, Akira.”   
“I don’t mind spicy foods,” came the brunette, who began to follow the moving group,  though looked over his shoulder, he said“Are you coming, Houji-san?”   
  
The older man shook his head solemnly,  “ I have work to do, you all have fun.” He walked away shortly after, though not before staring intently at Kaneki.

 

“Come on Nagachika, bring your friend with you too! He can pay!”

 

Kaneki froze in place, and Hide looked very agitated. “How much money do you have on you now?”   
“...enough..”   
They must’ve had super hearing, because they heard that as if Kaneki was standing right beside them.

“We’ll be buying drinks as well, I suppose?” Came Akira, who looked back at Kaneki.

Say no, say no, say no, “Sure….”

 

Hide nearly face palmed, and Kaneki regretted speaking altogether. There was no way they could weave their way out of this one. Slowly, they began to follow the investigators.

 

“Are you hungry?” Hide asked.

“No, I ate last month,” Kaneki said rather loudly.

“Shh, keep it down please,” begged the blond, “You’ll just have to make up an excuse...but if you sit next to Akira, be careful, she likes to force samples into people’s mouths.”

 

“And you’re weary about my friends…” Kaneki stopped, realizing what he’d just said.

 

Hide closed his eyes as he tried to contain himself, “Really? Because I don’t see mine kicking you out for no reason, or making you seem like you're worthless, Kaneki. At least you’re being invited out. And I know they’re investigators, but at least their being civil to you.” 

Kaneki could go on and on about how the investigators had negatively influenced his life, could complain and complain….but Hide was right. They were being civil, weren’t they? But still, he wanted more than anything  to call them out on their close minded occupations, to call them out on the devastation they'd caused. But it was at a time like this, that Kaneki distinctly remembered a line from the book that had given him the courage to show up at the CCG in the first place.

“ _You can't always judge people by the things they done. You got to judge them by what they are doing now.”_ Kaneki supposed that his friend’s had judged Hide because of his humanity, and not because Hide was trying to comfort him. As much as it hurt him to admit it, if he judged these people based on their jobs, then he was no better than Tsukiyama, or Touka or any other ghoul whom disliked humans because of their race.

Not only that, but Hide was right to have judged his friends at that moment.

  
  


He wondered what catastrophes paved way for them to become ghoul investigators. Wondered what hungry monsters tore their lives apart. Most ghoul investigators attacked for the good of humanity. They attacked ghouls like Touka who killed innocent men for revenge, or attacked ghouls like Rize, who killed just for pleasure. It hurt Kaneki to realize that...but most investigators weren’t evil, they were just protecting those who couldn’t protect themselves. And that’s how Kaneki chose to judge them (and by the way that they were so thoughtfully dragging him on a lunch date.)

 

He may've been ghoul, but he was still a little human.

  
“Sorry Hide,” Kaneki said quickly, “That was wrong of me...I want to make it up to you somehow.”

As they walked, Hide opened his eyes and sighed. He hadn't had enough time to tell Kaneki just how he felt, he hadn't had the chance to do so without feeling bad. But here it was, Hide's brutal honesty, “You don’t know how it was to be treated like that. It took everything I had to find you, and it’s like you didn’t even care, man. I would’ve liked it if you answered my texts or my calls or anything. Am I not good enough because I’m just human? If I were a ghoul, would  you like me more?”   
  
Kaneki could tell Hide had been waiting for a long time to get that off of his chest, and it hurt him knowing that his friend felt that way.

  
“No Hide, of course not!” Kaneki practically screamed, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way! It’s just-”   
“I guess that’s what six months of no communication means” Hide deadpanned, as they neared the elevator, “We can talk later. It's not safe now.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, updated. I hope you enjoyed it! Have a wonderful week, and God bless!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello guys! Sorry I haven't updated this in like forever! I've been so busy! I started college =) So of course that's taking up a lot of my time. But I really wanted to get this out before I updated anything else.   
> Heads up, I revised chapter one and two because the characterization was off, and it was suggested that I do so. Also, there spelling/grammar errors. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you like this chapter. Warnings, there will be crying and emotion, so prepare yourself.   
> As always, i'm my own beta.   
> Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul.

 

Kaneki kept the small box lunch in his lap for the entire time. A lunch date that should have been between he and Hide had turned into a complete free for all, where he had to pay. The passionate one, luckily, had taken a seat beside Akira, and the brunette had taken a seat beside the passionate one. And beside him, sat Hide, and next to him, sat Kaneki. 

 

Kaneki really,  _really_ wished that he could take Hide out of here, that they could go somewhere else that was quiet, and absent of the smell of human food and humans in general. 

 

Though at every chance he got to get Hide to himself, it seemed very much like his friend was ignoring his presence. As if he purposely started another conversation with one of the investigators the moment that he and Kaneki would have been able to speak.

 

Kaneki felt his fingers clutched around the box lunch, unsure of where else to direct the growing sense of dread that began gnawing at his insides. He listened to their light banter and their casual exchanges. Truly, it was nothing like it had been in the CCG building, they carried about them an air of friendliness and acceptance. More than once, Akira had attempted to reach over the four men, and stick a wad of spicy past into Kaneki's mouth. Not only that, but she'd complimented him on his dark nails and hair.

 

The shy brunette, Mr. Seidou, had offered to take the drinks off of his hand, as the bill had already grown incredibly outrageous. And Amon, after commenting on how much he looked like someone he knew, was just happy that Nagachika finally had a friend who happened to be an actual person, and not books on investigations or reports.

 

Kaneki could only smile and nod as they spoke and shake his head no as they offered to feed him. Their optimism was almost sickening, though it was the good type. And how Hide interacted with them, how he smiled genuinely, it made Kaneki happy. Though he realized just how much his own presence seemed to take away from Hide's happiness. The avoidance, the ignorance of his presence...it was then that Kaneki questioned his even being there.

 

He'd come to apologize to Hide? Right. To apologize for abandoning him for months, then for reacting so negatively when he finally found him, right? And his plan to apologize had been as simple as a cardboard lunch box and an impromptu date?

 

What the hell was Kaneki doing? What the hell was he thinking? Did he really think that this was enough to make up for how terrible of a friend he'd been?   
  


Hide had given him all the patience in the world, why couldn't he do the same for Hide? He needed to give him time to cope with what had just happened, and unfortunately, Hide's coping didn't include Kaneki. It included positive people, people who loved him and who treated him like he mattered.

 

Kaneki hadn't been any of those things for the past few months, and now it was showing.

 

But Kaneki...Kaneki was scared. As they spoke together, as they got on together, Kaneki slowly saw himself being replaced. Being replaced like he'd replaced Hide. The ghoul could give his blond time to cope, yes. But usually, after one went through the coping process, they changed drastically. What if Hide's change included shedding himself of all negativity, shedding himself of Kaneki?

 

_“There ain’t no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it.”_

 

The quote from that dreadful book appeared in the forefront of Kaneki's mind as if the page had been glued to his very eyes. 

 

He had his chance with Hide ages ago, and now he'd blown it. He still loved him, yes, but there was no point in tagging along if Hide didn't want him there. He couldn't keep on holding on to him.

 

Suddenly, Kaneki found himself standing to his feet as he clutched the box. There was no reason to be here anymore.

 

“Excuse me,” Kaneki spoke through a broken smile, “I just remembered, I had somewhere to be!”

 

“Sit down, you just got here. And besides, if you leave, who will pay?” Asked the blond woman, though Hide was quick to reply for Kaneki.

 

“I'll do it, I'll pay,” spoke his friend, as he cast an agonizing gaze towards Kaneki, “I'll pay.” All three investigators turned their heads towards Hide as he spoke. The white haired man returned Hide's comment with a formal incline, and took his leave as soon as he'd ascended.

 

Hide was unsure of what to feel during Kaneki's absence. The most recent, conditioned part of him wanted to jump for joy at his leave, but the other part felt terrible for voicelessly ostracizing him. Though shame on Kaneki for believing everything could be solved with a lunch. Shame on him for trying to rush things to benefit his own guilt.

 

Hide needed time, hell. He'd given Kaneki all the time in the world, could Kaneki not do the same?

 

“He was eager to leave, Nagachika-san,” Amon spoke as he took a sip of his drink, “too eager.”   
Hide shook his head and shot an empty smile Amon's way, “He had better things to do,” _he always does,_ the unspoken words did not go unnoticed by the occupants sitting beside Hide.

 

“Isn't this Kaneki Ken,” Akira turned towards Hide with a curious gaze, “The one you've been looking for?”   
  


Hide's heart dropped at the sudden connection. Shit. Akira's intuition was madly accurate. Had she been able to piece their situation together, had she been able to tell just what exactly Kaneki was? His dismay must have been evident on his features, as Akira took notice of it immediately.

 

“Nagahika-san, if you spent so long looking for him, why did you let him leave?”

 

Hide's heart did not drop this time. It stopped, completely. A small part of him would've been more comfortable if Akira took the “so is he a ghoul” route, therefore, he could easily disprove her accusations and bring an end the conversation.

 

But no, she had to go and make it incredibly emotional. She had to make it about him. Hide hated talking about himself, let alone, his feelings.

The blond closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. The agitation that he emitted from his being was clear as day/ This entire ordeal had been taking too much of him.

 

And as if to make matters worse, Seidou pitched in, “Nagachika, he seemed really happy to see you. Something tells me that he left because he was feeling left out. I don't think he had anything to do.”   
  
Geez. Right in the balls. When the hell did Seidou become such a love guru? That, or he could relate to Kaneki's feelings of abandonment. Though none of their contribution to the situation was making it any easier for Hide. They only judged off of what they saw, not off of what they knew.

And boy, if they knew...  
  
“Kaneki and I...we need time away from each other,” That was it! That was as deep as Hide would go about the situation. They were already seeing a side of their usually optimistic coworker that they hadn't thought possible. No need for them to see him at his worse. Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Though Amon and Akira had dropped the conversation the moment that Hide had put an end to it, Seidou took a different approach the moment that both had gotten off of work. He should've known better than to assume that Seidou would hold his peace when he had gotten the opportunity to speak freely about it.

 

Seidou knew Hide more than anyone at the CCG. They could understand each other more than anyone.

 

His vouch for Kaneki hadn't been for Kaneki's sake, it had been for Hide's. Though no one else would have been able to tell. Yet Seidou had single handily managed to get Hide into a position that had forced him to hint at his real feeling towards Kaneki, thus silencing the talk for the moment.

 

Though as both men walked out of the CCG building, the bleakness of the situation began to set in.

 

They walked in silence at first. Bypassing a group of loud high school students, squeezing through a tight fit of business men, dodging bullet cars in the crosswalk despite being given the right away, had somehow seen both men away from the congested city and migrating into a near vacant part.

Work and school had ended for everyone, so they had little time to themselves before the area would be full of children.

 

“Nagachika,” Seidou demanded his attention as he pulled him down onto one of the park benches beside him, “That's Kaneki, isn't it? The one who abandoned you?”   
  
Hide closed his eyes, recalling a conversation that he'd had with Seidou a while back, regarding his warped friendship with Kaneki. It had started off when Seidou had found Hide looking through CCG files for information about Eyepatch, and had ended with both men feeling less than pleased with the ending mood of the conversation.

 

“Yeah,” the blond removed his cap, and ran a hand through his unruly hair, “But it's funny, isn't it, Mr. Seidou. I finally find him, like I've wanted to, but when I do, I don't want him anymore. Isn't that funny?”  
  
Nagachika had attempted to laugh, though the sound was mirthless. Almost dead.

 

Seidou tossed a glance towards Hide, who's head was now buried in his hands, “No, Nagachika, it's not funny.”   
  
“Then it has to be selfishness, ” Hide lifted his head and looked at the horizon as his voice strained, “I got Kaneki back. But he's not the same, and I'm not happy. But I should be glad, my best friend is back.”   
  
Seidou shook his head, “It's not selfishness Nagachika,” now the brunette averted his gaze, “People change all the time. It's not easy accepting them either way, not when we're so used to how they've been.”

 

There was a change in atmosphere, and suddenly Seidou was sounding less of himself than he had been before. Hide rose an eyebrow, it seemed as if Seidou was speaking from experience.

“Mr. Se-”   
  
“Akira...Akira she apologized,” his voice was tight, incredibly tight.

“She what?” Hide was shocked. He knew just how uncomfortable Akira's workplace harassment made Seidou feel, he knew what kind of environment it caused for the investigator. And up until now, Hide believed she antagonized poor Seidou out of her own enjoyment.

 

But he was wrong.   
  


Seidou laughed a hopeless laugh, “She apologized.” He spoke as if he hadn't spoken to to anyone up until now, as if he hadn't even had time to process it, “She apologized for embarrassing me all the time, she apologized for making me feel worthless, she apologized for bullying me...and...and I should be happy, right? All I wanted is for her to treat me like a person, and not a punching bag, so I should be happy...but I'm not. I can't forgive her, not now, at least. It still hurts, Nagachika. The pain doesn't go away with words. I don't think anyone expects it to.”

 

“And who knows,” the sudden drop in his voice demanded Hide's immediate attention, and before he knew it, both shades of brown were locked onto the others, “maybe I'll never end up forgiving her. Maybe I'll keep on avoiding her to the point where she becomes a shadow.”

 

Hide looked away, and a strangled sob erupted from his throat, “I'm scared, Mr. Seidou. I'm scared that I can't be Kaneki's friend anymore. I'm scared that I can't forgive him. I'm his friend, I should've accepted his apology by now, but I haven't! I'm scared that I'll be so upset, that things will be so complicated, that we can never be the same again. And when we try, we just can't connect like we used to. He's been away for such a long time,” Hide's eyes welled with tears as he spoke. His lips trembled, his breathing became ragged, his shoulders began to shake, and before he knew it, he was crying.

 

“And for the longest time, Mr. Seidou, I though it was Kaneki who'd changed,” Hide sniffled, as he forced himself to look Seidou in the eye, “And he has changed, a lot. But whenever he's around me, he's the same, or at least he's trying to be,” Hide laughed through his veil of tears, and this time, it was genuine, “so it isn't Kaneki who changed,” the blond cleared his throat, “it's me.”

 

 

The brunette processed everything he'd said, and for a while, the only sound uttered between the two were Hide's soft sobs.

 

“Nagachika, it's okay if you don't want to be friends with him right now,” Seidou spoke, “It's okay if you don't want to be friends with him ever again...but I can tell that you two need each other more than anything. But you don't need each other now, you both need time apart.”

 

Seidou patted Hide on the shoulder, “I feel the same way, you know. I tell myself I won't forgive her, but I'll have to. It doesn't mean we'll be friends...ever. But it's not the same for Kaneki and you, Nagachika. I think in the end, you'll find each other again.”

 

Hide nodded, “I hope so.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Kaneki had face planted atop of his bed the moment he'd entered his room. He hadn't even bothered taking his shoes off or closing his door.

He was so incredibly disoriented and so emotionally exhausted that he couldn't even stand.

 

The moment he'd fallen onto the bed, he slammed his head onto the pillow, and screamed. Not smart, considering that he lived in an apartment full of ghouls who all happened to have hypersensitive hearing. Like little Pavlov doggies running towards the sound of a bell, numerous footsteps were making their way towards Kaneki's room.

 

It was Tsukiyama at first, marching to his side and immediately asking what on earth had happened, and asking what he could do to help. Then it was Hinami and her “Big brother” fiasco, followed by Banjou and the rest. Though Kaneki didn't even lift his head, he couldn't. He didn't deserve they're sympathy, he didn't deserve their love.

 

It didn't feel right anymore, to be around them after he'd let them treat Hide so terribly.

 

Of course it wasn't any of their faults, Kaneki had allowed them to bully Hide around. They didn't know any better. But now the damage had been done.

 

He could only wait for Hide and hope that his best friend would find it in his heart to forgive him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doooonnnneee with another chapter. If you weren't aware, I revised chapter 1 &2 because of the characterization and grammar errors. This was a lot, and it may be a little OOC, as is this entire story, but I hope you don't mind, and I hope you can stick with it. 
> 
> If you're a little more interested in Hide and Seidou's conversation, check it out in this story → http://archiveofourown.org/works/4260354
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter. Critiques are welcomed! Have a wonderful week and God bless!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the revision! Have a wonderful morning and God bless!


End file.
